The Intimacy Market: Sex Sells, And It Cost Us Our Humanity
People claim that hookup culture is dying due to the younger generation’s desire for more meaningful connections. While casual sex may be more difficult to find these days, I would propose that it has not died entirely, but rather, it has morphed into something else to meet the needs of Gen Z. We see this most obviously in the growing popularity of adult content platforms like OnlyFans and mainstream erotic literature, but we can also see it in daily life, where people have a twisted understanding of what desirability, empowerment, relationships, and intimacy look like. Sex has always sold, but the cost often changes with the culture. Today, it has cost us our ability to form meaningful connections with others.
What was once considered intimate and private is readily accessible in mere seconds at our fingertips, on full display in public spaces, and pushed as a narrative by (social) media and influencers. This is due to a variety of reasons and has brought a multitude of consequences that form a vicious cycle, the most noticeable being the gender war. The male loneliness epidemic, the female empowerment narrative, the shaming on both sides - where does it end? Will it ever be resolved? Or will new “solutions” keep rising, such as AI chatbots capable of satisfying a desire for connection?
Before we can discuss how intimacy became a lost art in today’s society, we must first understand the interplay of feminism, politics, and pop culture, and how that interaction affects the male/female divide.
The Third Wave of Feminism
The third and fourth waves of feminism began in the 1990s and continue into the present day. It should be noted that the third wave does not have a distinguishable separation from the fourth wave and the two are mainly divided by the prevalence of social media as a tool for activism. Therefore, the two waves will be treated as one - referred to as the third wave - for the purpose of this essay. The main points that separate the third wave from the second wave are the following: the philosophy of intersectionality, a more inclusive understanding of womanhood and feminism, and consciousness raising (Rampton, 2015).
The philosophy of intersectionality was the driving force in this wave of feminism. Third wave feminists claimed the prior wave did not do enough for women of color or transgender women. This led to a more inclusive understanding of what it means to be a woman and what feminism looks like. It is important to understand that personal narratives were the foundation of this understanding. At the same time, consciousness raising was strongly emphasized. Consciousness raising involves recognizing that male domination (the so-called patriarchy) affects women in the present day. The end result of this is that women challenge men to take accountability.
Politics
Feminism is deeply ingrained in politics, particularly in left-wing politics, as it is a progressive movement. It is well understood that men tend to lean politically conservative, while women lean liberal (Igielnik, 2020); this is due to measurable personality traits. Of note among these measurable traits is the higher amount of open-mindedness women have compared to men (Weisberg, DeYoung, & Hirsh, 2011). One should be aware of not only the divide between men and women here, but between women themselves. To understand why two empathetic and open-minded women may lean in different political directions, we must first understand how liberals and conservatives empathize.
Liberals have a tendency to prioritize minority and out-groups and individuals, desiring protection and benefits for them (Casey, Vanman, & Barlow, 2025). They have a more universal compassion, focusing their energy on all-encompassing groups (such as an entire race of people or “humanity” in general) or abstract social causes. Meanwhile, conservatives tend to empathize with parochial and in-groups. Their compassion is directed toward defined groups and social causes (Casey, Vanman, & Barlow, 2025). With this information, it is easy to see how there is a lot of chafing between women who are liberal and women who are conservative. Most conservative women reject third wave feminism and dismiss feminists as anti-men and anti-tradition, while liberal feminists often claim women living in a traditional lifestyle are oppressed or have internalized misogyny.
Pop Culture
To relate the above discussion to the topic of this essay, modern-day feminists are often proponents of wearing whatever one wants and celebrating sexual freedom and expression. This is most commonly seen in the rise of mainstream erotic literature, or smut, and the trend of dressing for the female gaze. As American culture has become more sex-positive, graphic depictions of sex have become more commonplace in the media. While women may have mixed opinions regarding these depictions in visual media, such as cinema, a quick look around the Internet shows that most women fully support such depictions in literary media. While smut is nothing new to literature, its prevalence in the mainstream has exploded in the last few years. Instead of being something to read in private settings, it has become socially acceptable for women to enjoy steamy novels in the general public. Criticism from both men and women abounds. Some common arguments claim that it is equivalent to watching pornography in public, and that it gives women unrealistic or even dangerous expectations for sex and romance. One example of such expectations is the romanticization of forced sexual actions. Similar to the romanticization of toxic male behaviors society saw after the popularity of the Twilight series, this idealization of sexual assault desensitizes women to the severity of the experience. It also creates a problem similar to the “bad boy aesthetic” - women reject “normal” or “nice” men in favor of a “bad boy.” This is not a new trend, but rather, one that has simply changed its flavor.
Another trend exacerbated by social media is dressing for the female gaze. Originally intended to emphasize comfort, creativity, and individual expression in style, it has slowly warped into another battleground for women. Comments such as “an angel lost its wings” and “we lost another baddie” flood accounts on which women document their switch from wearing more revealing clothes to what they now consider modest. It does not matter that the woman in the video is making a conscious decision to wear clothes that make her feel more comfortable - if she is covering up, she must be oppressed or internalizing misogyny. Responses to videos of women asking other women for advice on their outfits also exposes how dressing for the female gaze has begun to backfire. Here, advice tends to take the form of unhelpful criticism, backhanded compliments, and bullying. It seems that the female gaze is celebratory when something matches the “correct” aesthetic or trend, but damning when something goes against the grain.
Although it seems contradictory to what feminists claim they believe about freedom to choose, women as a group have always been prone to the need to conform. Fifty years ago, they conformed to traditional gender roles. Today, they conform to modern feminism. When women choose to live a traditional lifestyle or keep their sexual desires and fantasies private, the majority group of modern women attempt to shame the outlier into conformity. This is not a new phenomenon.
Finally, the casualization of the public sphere in the United States has made exposing skin more acceptable. Although more modest clothes like baggy jeans have made a comeback, overall, clothing has become more form-fitting, necklines have dropped lower, and hemlines have become shorter. This is not a new trend, as every decade has “slutty” clothing - from flapper dresses in the 1920s to micro miniskirts in the 1960s. However, with the advent of the Internet and social media, I would argue that the revealing clothing trends of today create a worse problem for society than they did a few decades ago. This is primarily because of how it affects the younger generation.
Teen and preteen girls have the world at their fingertips, being exposed to the lives of adult influencers and celebrities in a way previous generations were not. Celebrities are wearing questionable clothes to events with children in attendance, or to events specifically for children. The most viral recent examples that come to mind are Bianca Censori’s “invisible dress” at the 2025 Grammy Awards red carpet and Ice Spice’s lingerie dress at the Spongebob movie premiere. While these outfits received significant backlash, it must be understood that they did not develop in isolation. Trends built up to the choices that were made by stylists, publicists, and the celebrities themselves. It seems that the sex- and body-positive movements, while initially well-intentioned, have come back to bite us. Too much of anything is a net loss, even this “positive othering” we have been seeing lately.
Influencers and companies may not intentionally market to children, but it is not a secret that children are still consuming content and products meant for adults. Children learn the behavior that is modeled by adults around them. A loss of spaces for teens and preteens combined with influence from social media and pop culture has made young girls grow up faster than usual. Many teens and preteens are watching and performing sexual dances, listening to explicit songs, and wearing mature clothing and makeup styles that make them appear older because it is what they see and hear online. This is a dangerous precedent, as minors become increasingly more likely to be exposed to harmful content and experiences.
The Male Loneliness Epidemic
It takes two to tango, and the divide between the sexes is no exception. In this section, we will discuss what exactly the male loneliness epidemic is and how the interaction of feminism, politics, and pop culture have affected it, shedding a new light on the waging war between men and women. The male loneliness epidemic is a sweeping term used to describe the increasing mental health issues and isolation experienced by men, particularly in the West. Although it refers to a general lack of meaningful social connections, in this essay, we will look specifically at the lack of romantic connections. This is a multifaceted issue beyond the scope of this essay, but we will concentrate on feminism, politics, and the normalization of public intimacy.
Feminism and Adult Content Creation
With the rise of third wave feminism came the idea of sexual empowerment - female sexuality was something to embrace, not be ashamed of or controlled by men. This was quickly reflected in pop culture as female celebrities “took back” their sexuality by sexualizing themselves on their own terms. Adult content creators, especially top earners on sites like OnlyFans, pushed the idea that not only was a girl’s sexuality worth publicizing, but something that could be very lucrative. With young girls being affected by this messaging, it should be no surprise that many form OnlyFans accounts upon their eighteenth birthday. A good handful of men (and women) take advantage of this trend and encourage women to continue “empowering” themselves.
The growing popularity of adult content sites like OnlyFans have become yet another double-edged sword for women. On one hand, creators are praised by other women for being independent through their sexuality. On the other hand, men who buy their content worsen the objectification of women and place monetary value on a woman’s body. Is expressing sexuality really the best way for a woman to feel empowered, or is it actually a lie pushed by those who want to objectify women?
The way this has contributed to the male loneliness epidemic is seen in the way sites like OnlyFans work. Essentially, OnlyFans makes money off of a man’s desire to feel personal connection with a content creator, which is unachievable through regular porn sites. By paying to make various requests from the content creator, such as direct messaging (DM) opportunities or catering to specific kinks and fetishes, the subscriber meets both a physical need (sexual gratification) and an emotional need (connection). Unfortunately, the connection is superficial and imbalanced. This kind of romantic/sexual connection is not fulfilling on an emotional or spiritual level, causing men to continuously fill that void with more superficiality instead of substance. This leads to an increased feeling of loneliness and may even be accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame.
Politics and the Demonization of Men
It should not be controversial to claim that for years, leftwing politics have demonized cisgender, heterosexual men, especially those who are also white. Leftwing politics painted this demographic as inherently privileged, misogynistic, and controlling, leading to a bigger political divide between the sexes. As men and women drift further apart in their value system, they are less willing to become romantically entangled. This has also worsened the male loneliness epidemic, as it is more difficult to find a partner with the same values.
Another way politics has worsened the male loneliness epidemic via the demonization of men is through the demonization of marriage. Third-wave feminism praises independence, even inside marriage. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as nobody should be entirely dependent on their partner. However, ultra-feminist women and those who demonize traditional men often put down those who want to be in a traditional marriage. Stay-at-home wives and mothers are told to be careful and have a backup plan for “when” their husband cheats or leaves. This assumption that all men will be unfaithful or leave a relationship is harmful, as it hinders the trust necessary in a healthy relationship. By treating all men as if they cannot control their urges or be loving and faithful partners, healthy romantic connections become nearly impossible.
However, women and political sides are not the only ones to blame for the male loneliness epidemic. Straight men - especially straight white men - have often chosen to respond to character attacks by becoming radically conservative/Republican. By harboring bitterness and resentment towards women, they may become what they feared being labeled as.
Normalization of Intimacy and Its Consequences
As mentioned previously, revealing clothing is nothing new. However, the normalization of it in the public sphere has damaged how both men and women view intimacy. Women are confused when men are not excited over lingerie, but they wear lingerie or lingerie-adjacent clothing in public. “Leave something to the imagination” is a piece of advice that has been mostly discarded by women as they dress for themselves or wear as little clothing as possible in the name of “comfort.” The result is a loss of the anticipation and excitement surrounding intimate clothing or body parts. Overexposure to sexy or ultra-revealing clothing both online and in the casual public sphere has also desensitized men.
Unfortunately, there is not much men are able to do to combat this problem other than averting their eyes. Those who ask their partner, sister, or daughter to cover up more are condemned for being controlling or for sexualizing what wasn’t meant to be sexualized. The resulting dilemma is that despite their nature, sexy clothes are no longer allowed to be considered arousing unless the woman wants it to be so. This also plays into how women want to sexualize themselves as an empowerment tactic, but they do not want to be sexualized by men. One cannot have their cake and eat it, too.
Incel Behavior and Reconciliation
Another problem playing into the male loneliness epidemic is the double standard men hold: many of them idealize a traditional woman who is modest, religious, etc., but they follow women who post seductive pictures of themselves on social media. They may complain about how women want toxic men and that “nice guys finish last,” but they end up displaying a different kind of toxicity - usually anti-feminist, misogynistic, self-loathing, and resentful. Although the term has lost its meaning now, “incel” is used to describe such men. Not all or even most men are incels, but the reputation has done enough damage that the loneliness epidemic has certainly been worsened.
Another way to describe this problem is the Madonna-whore complex. This concept describes how men tend to divide women into two distinct groups: a pure, respectable woman (the Madonna) and an overtly sexual, promiscuous woman (the whore). Sigmund Freud first identified this phenomenon, claiming that “where such men love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love.” In other words, a man wants to marry a woman like the Madonna, but because he respects her, he cannot be sexually attracted to her. The whore is then the outlet for such sexual expression, but the man cannot respect and therefore love her. Love and sexual desire must be reconciled to solve this problem.
Concluding Thoughts
In a world that glorifies sexual freedom and empowerment through the Internet and media, our ability to form intimate connections with each other is in jeopardy. It is a cultural problem that can and must be solved through individual introspection leading to more wide-scale change. I am not advocating for all women to dress in burkas, nor do I think men should be allowed to objectify women without consequence. There must be a balance, though, and that requires awareness from both sexes. Women must understand how they are negatively influenced by third wave feminism, politics, pop culture, and even other women. Men must acknowledge their connection problems and work to overcome them in productive ways, instead of feeding into the problem while shaming the women who satisfy them.
Sex sells - it always has and always will. In today’s world, the cost is our humanity. We must learn to hold each other accountable while encouraging appropriate social behaviors and norms - if not for ourselves, then for the following generation. They are watching us closely.
References
Casey J. P., Vanman E. J., Barlow F. K. (2025). Empathic conservatives and moralizing liberals: Political intergroup empathy varies by political ideology and is explained by moral judgment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 51(5). doi: 10.1177/01461672231198001
Igielnik, R. (2020). How U.S. men and women differ in voter turnout, party identification. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/08/18/men-and-women-in-the-u-s-continue-to-differ-in-voter-turnout-rate-party-identification/
Rampton, M. (2015). Four waves of feminism. Pacific University Oregon. https://www.pacificu.edu/magazine/four-waves-feminism
Weisberg, Y. J., DeYoung, C. G., & Hirsh, J. B. (2011). Gender differences in personality across the ten aspects of the big five. Frontiers in Psychology, 2(178). doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00178
